bearing all

I am not sure as to what the point of this post is, but for some reason, maybe because we are beginning a new year, I feel like getting some things off my mind. Maybe the point is to lift a weight, to let go so I can start not fresh, but start again from where I stand. Maybe the point is to think, ask myself, where do I stand now, where do I want to go, am I happy?

In the last 6 months I have applied for three jobs. All with the promise to provide a fresh start, to mark a new career path, to advance my passion. In these 6 months I poured hours of preparation, thoughtful planning, brainstorming, and research into my lap and the laps of my closest family and friends. In some cases I spent hundreds on the perfect outfit for my perfect job, transporting the outfit to Sweden and back, diverted flights, booked hotels, rented cars, and explored new cities. I interviewed with panels of potential employers in person, over the phone, prepared marketing plans, 30/60/90 day plans, had second interviews, and spent miles thinking of better responses.In the last 6 months, I have applied for three jobs. In the last 6 months, I have been second best for all three jobs. In one case, the second best turned into an offer a week later, in the wrong city, for a position I thought I wanted, but didn't. In another case, the second best was okay and in the last case the second best proved conflicting. The second best was what I wanted so I didn't have to choose my path in life. But being second best always hurts.

I celebrated five years of marriage to my best friend. We decided to give it another five. Sometimes I wonder if we will make it another one, sometimes I wonder what we are doing. We are complacent. Not happy where we sit, not taking steps to get up and move. We are happy, in love, but sometimes I don't see it.

In the last 6 months, I have poured hours into a passion I wish could sustain me full time. I eat, dream and breathe this passion. I share this passion with the community and it is for what I am known for most. I tour potential buildings that could house my passion. It frustrates me, it drives me, but yet I don't take the crucial steps to fulfill my dream. Why?

I lost a grandma. I learned of her hospitalization via facebook and her death via text. Does death not warrant phone calls anymore?

In the last 6 months I gained another sister. Sisters make the world go round and I love my brother more for marrying his wife. I also gained another brother and I love my sister-in-law for choosing him, and for choosing New York.

My tires have taken me back and forth between the two states I love allowing me to spend time with the people I love. I am a proud transplant, but are my roots deeper in the north?

In the last 6 months, I have found RedBox and laughed at movies I would not have chosen had I not. Butter, Ruby Sparks, The Words, This is 40, Skyfall, and Rise of the Guardians were all worth time cozied up in front of the fire, ringing in the New Year, or celebrating a 6th birthday with a favorite handsome nephew.

I have one not one, not two, but three awards for cooking. Salsa, grilled tofu and cashew cheesecake propelled me into a new venture that someday will worth the effort, but again (see above) what is my first step?

In the last 6 months I have found cheese again, good cheese. Good enough to lose the vegan label I have falsely been carrying around for years. Cheese and eggs. Locally produced. Totally worth it.

We almost bought at farm, a beautiful cathedral like barn. But didn't.

We have taken cooking classes together, and as I type, I have learned to relinquish my tight grip on the kitchen. He cooks, she cleans?

In the last 6 months I have envisioned many different dreams for my life. Dreams that all relate to one thing, dreams that I can taste. I have to choose one. Why do I have to choose just one?

I have gained 15 pounds and counting. I have logged fewer and fewer miles. Running makes me happy, baking makes me happy but my hips wide. I need to find balance.

In the last 6 months I have lived my life, the life that I have chosen for myself. In the next 6 months I am changing my life in ways I can't yet decide, but change is coming. Change should be my word for 2013.

I wrote this post a week ago and just the act of writing it was very therapeutic. My attitude changed overnight and I was able to move on from so many of these things. I guess writing the post was the point of writing the post...